Inspiration & Paradox 75: False Self-esteem

Food for thoughts...

I was very much perplexed when told that the all-too-familiar American culture of promoting one’s self-esteem from young is now reaping its negative effects in terms of the nation’s rising depression rate. The Asian culture is often criticised for being too unforgiving and stingy with praises and that we have to look to the Westerners and learn to be gracious with our children, always telling them how much you love them, making them feel important and great, and even when they fail or make a mistake, assure them it’s okay, and tell them that they are always the best no matter what happens. We are reprimanded for not knowing how to celebrate and reward successes, for being too harsh with wrongdoings, and bringing up children who are not as confident, open, self-assured, and vocal as the Westerners...

Now, where are the “holes” in the Self-esteem Movement? I was explained that the self-esteem built in a culture of constant praises and rewards (... even for the smallest and most insignificant achievement) and unconditional acceptance of even the stupidest blunder does not allow oneself to learn about realistic assessment of one’s own abilities, strengths and weakness, and does not help in building a character of resilience and tenacity that would cushion the hard effects of failures, hardship, disappointments in the different seasons of life. After being told all the time that everything is alright and “I am the best”, it is obviously hard to come to terms with some very real imperfections in their life, their abilities as compared with others. People become confused and disoriented, and do not know how to face the realities and chart their next steps when they underachieve or make serious blunders in life. And when images of themselves and the world swirled into messy disarray, depression sets in...

"True self-esteem requires an accurate appraisal of one's own abilities in comparison to those of others...a phony self-esteem is vulnerable to puncture by life's experience."
Richard O'Connor

Inspiration & Paradox 74: Where's the Crowd?

When discussing about places, where to go and where not to go, you probably have heard something like this before:

“NOBODY GOES THERE ANYMORE, IT’S TOO CROWDED.”

What are we talking about?

Inspiration & Paradox 73: "Made from Sugar" and Not "Made of Sugar"

Popular low-calorie, diet sweetener Splenda is made from sugar and tastes like sugar, but strangely, it is not made of sugar, that is, it's free of sugar! How is this possible. Read full account in "Can You Drink Safely with Splenda?"

Inspiration & Paradox 72: Poor, Obese People

There is a growing body of research showing that the people who have gained the most weight in the last decade tend to have the lowest incomes. The poor face higher obesity because unhealthy food is more affordable has become a modern-day paradox.

The working poor often have no time for cooking, little money to buy fresh fruits and vegetables, and a long walk to the closest supermarket with a good produce section. These people are obese, frankly, because they have no money, and some diets are cheaper than others. Without adequate resources, poor families must maximize the number of calories they can buy so that their members do not suffer from frequent hunger. They may consume lower-cost foods with relatively higher levels of calories per dollar to stave off hunger when they lack the money or other resources like food stamps to purchase a healthier balance of more nutritious foods. The greater the economic constraints, the harder it will be for these families to achieve the nutritional quality of foods they need.

Inspiration & Paradox 71: How We Spend Money

"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like."

~ Will Rogers

Inspiration & Paradox 70: Milk does not build Bones -- The Calcium Paradox

I find the Calcium Paradox rather shocking to read, especially when all this while I have been told to top up my intake of calcium by drinking more milk.

Studies showed that postmenopausal women who were taking calcium supplements a day were associated with an increase, instead of a decrease in fractures. A huge research on traditional Chinese diet, disease, and lifestyle studied more than 10,000 people in 130 villages across China from the southern coast to the Gobi desert and found that populations that relied on plant-based sources such as vegetables and whole grains for their calcium had much less heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and obesity than North Americans.

Some nutritionists have thus warned against the consumption of milk for strong bones. The argument is that we all assume bones are made up from only calcium, but the truth is that our bones are built on a foundation of collagen, proteins, magnesium, calcium, boron and other minerals, which together form the bone matrix. Taking enough calcium is important for children who are growing bones, but calcium supplementation alone does not go well with adults in terms of density. Preventing osteoporosis does not depend on calcium alone, but rather on preserving the bone matrix. The bone matrix is a living tissue whose strength and structure depend on many factors including other minerals besides calcium, the absorption of these nutrients from the gut, physical activity, and lifestyle. Also, milk is acid-forming and it's calcium-magnesium-phosphorus levels are way out of balance for proper human absorption and utilization. Fruits and vegetables provide alkalinity and are highly beneficial for bone health.

Inspiration & Paradox 69: When Good is Hated

Read this snippet in Reader's Digest:

A fellow teacher assigned his Year Four student to write a topic sentence for the following phrases: "Sam always works quietly. Sam is polite to the teacher. Sam always does his homework."

The student's topic sentence? "I hate Sam."

Inspiration & Paradox 68: Eat less fat and get fatter

Many people have experienced this paradox in their weight loss diet - "eat less fat and yet get fatter". The real culprit is sugar and refined carbohydrates which lead to insulin resistance. Read about it in Jane's story: Mystery of a Failed Weight Loss Diet.

Inspiration & Parodox 67: Relationship becomes difficult when life becomes easy.

My brother-in-law was sharing about his parents who used to be very loving but now have a problem relating to each other. He said something very interesting: couples belonging to his parents’ generation were able to endure hardship together but don’t know how to enjoy life together, in Chinese, 可以共患难, 但不能同享福. He went on to explain why –in their younger days, when times were difficult, couples shared a common goal, they slogged hard to provide for the children and keep the family together; life was in a way very purposeful and meaningful. There was somewhat a sense of unity. However, when their children grew up and their finances improved significantly, they suddenly could not relate to each other anymore, and started to have frequent arguments and vent their frustration at each other. They appeared to have lost their sense of mission in life and began to drift apart from each other.

He also spoke about the importance of developing a network of friends and keep a social support group which will be there for us when we retire from our jobs. He related that people who are retiring from their high corporate posts often faced a crisis in their lives as all of a sudden they have nothing to do and became a “nobody” in this world. Many of these men are left with no one else except their wives to command and boss around. Hence, ironically, many relationships became very difficult and tense at a time when people are supposed to feel most carefree and relaxed.

Inspiration & Paradox 66: Chaotic traffic may not be as dangerous as you think and orderly roads may not be as safe as you perceive

I have got to agree with some people who said that the traffic in Hanoi has to be the craziest in the world. What you see is a horrendous torrential rush of cars, carts, pedestrians, bicycles, motor cycles, vans, buses, and sometimes even horse carriages, all coming from different directions and intersecting, and a perpetual honking of the honk which nobody seems to be paying attention or bothered with. Crossing the streets was a daunting and heart pounding experience for me and my family, as there never seemed to be a break in the streams of vehicles and you would never find a right moment to cross unless you take a leap of faith to step out and trust that those darting motorcycles would somehow react in time to navigate around you. Our tour guide however revealed one interesting fact – though the traffic seemed to be extremely chaotic and somewhat out of control, nobody was obeying any rules on the road, and the traffic lights and lane markings were completely ignored, the accident rate surprisingly was much lower compared to that of the big modern cities with big roads where vehicles sped at a much faster rate. I am not sure how exactly that is possible but it probably has to do with the level of vigilance which naturally soars when surrounding danger is perceived, or perhaps the monotony of freeway travel on the straight express lanes in the cities has made travelling on the road even more challenging.

Inspiration & Paradox 65: Small is Big

In the minds of the Vietnamese, NOTHING IS
IMPOSSIBLE!

I snapped these pictures during my recent holidays with my family in Hanoi...

Look, who says you need a van or a truck to transport these things... 3 fat live pigs, 3 men in a row, a big basket of live chickens, and even a huge door (see the green oblong shape?)!!!

Inspiration & Paradox 64: When what you do now seems so insignificant...

Want to share this story that a friend sent to me over the email a few days ago. It came as an encouragement to me when I, with my own eyes and my own mind could perceive no purpose, and no fulfilment in what I am doing today...

"Don't give up.....
One day I decided to quit...I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?" His answer surprised me... "Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?" "Yes", I replied. "When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I to ok very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said. "In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit." He said."Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Comparedto the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle." He asked me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots". "I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you." "Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful." "Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high" "How high should I rise?" I asked. "How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return."As high as it can?" I questioned. "Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can." I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you. Never, Never, Never Give up."

Inspiration & Paradox 63: Yesterday's Beliefs, Today's Ironies

Think twice before you make a judgment on impossibilities, especially if you are famous enough to be remembered by the many generations to come.

Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, London - 1895"Heavier than air flying machines are impossible"

RCA Executives - 1920"This wireless music box [the radio] has no imaginable commercial value. Who would payto hear a message sent to nobody in particular?"

Thomas Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM - 1943"I think that there may be a world market for maybe five computers"

Ken Olson, Chair, Digital Equipment - 1977"There's no possible reason anyone would ever want to have a computer in their home"

Bill Gates - 1981"640K ought to be enough for everybody"

Margaret Thatcher - 1974 "It will be years - not in my time - before a woman will become Prime Minister."

Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents - 1899."Everything that can be invented has been invented."

A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that carried ten people. "There will never be a bigger plane built."

Business Week, August 2 - 1968 "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market."

Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."

Inspiration & Paradox 62: Truth or Tolerance?

A speaker made this remark during a parenting seminar that my husband and I attended – "I cannot stand it when people teach their children to be tolerant of other races’ differences – religion, belief, values. We must learn to respect the differences and not tolerate them. "

In dealing with what is the true religion and responding to what are the "truths" in our lives, we know that between two religions, it is possible that both are not true but it’s impossible that both are true. So how does one respect or tolerate another person’s religion and yet stand firmly on his/her own different religion? And when judging another’s beliefs, is it morally wrong to tell someone that it’s morally wrong? How do you respect another person’s values when they are totally different from yours? What is the difference in action and attitude when a person respect instead of tolerate? Can one really respect another person for the difference in responding to truths? Does respect entail acknowledging that everyone has the right to believe in everything, and one should not try to alter the beliefs of others? Aren't truths absolute? Or to some people they are only relative - that there are such a thing as half truth, less or greater truth? Or what does it really mean? And does tolerance simply mean that one should put up with the things you are not very happy to experience with the other person and pretend that it’s alright?

Inspiration & Paradox 61: When Sacrifice is a Sacrifice?

So, does sacrifice bring pain or happiness?

Whether it’s in a relationship or approaching an issue in life, the act of sacrifice often suggests the experiencing of great struggle and dilemma when in coming to terms with a situation and making a certain decision to give up something. However, people also often say that no good things happen without a sacrifice; this is,  no pain, no gain. This is the paradox of sacrifice. Think about it, the expected or desired outcome of that sacrifice must be so important that is enough to drive one to make that hard decision. If no benefits can be achieved by making a sacrifice, then there would be no sacrifices, and this makes the understanding of sacrifice concept fuzzy. Perhaps what could make a distinction is the motives behind the sacrifices, how selfless is it? Who receives the benefits of the sacrifice, others or own self after all? Nevertheless, when one gives up his time or his “well-being” for a purpose or for a person, the end result of the intended act of sacrificing must have brought about an outcome that is attractive enough to make one feel good or right about that sacrifice. Take for instance a common example of a mother who says she will make the sacrifice of giving up her rewarding career to take care of her growing up children.  What has probably helped her make the decision is the prospect of her children receiving more attention and guidance, better training and development, and becoming more able learners in schools and in life. So if the children grow up to do well in life, isn’t this also the gain of the mother and that sacrifice becomes not so much of a sacrifice? Take another contrasting case of a poor man who has nothing to give away but his time for a group of needy children who have nobody to take care of them. And if he tells you that that it’s not at all a sacrifice to him because this is what would make him feel happy and fulfilled in life, would it be still appropriate to call that a kind of sacrificial love for others?

Inspiration & Paradox 60: Can You Really "Balance Life"?

I am pretty sure you have heard of advise like this “you need to balance your life”, “you have to balance between job and family”. I personally find it hard to appreciate it because life it’s often about prioritising importance, letting go of certain things, and making sacrifices rather than making the balance of activities in amount. For instance, for myself, I have a family and two kids but I also have full-time job. I spent 80% of my time on my work and the rest of my time goes to my family. I never see myself as being able to balance my career and family. It is obvious enough from the amount of time I commit in each aspect that there is no balance there. Juggling the two is a constant challenge. But the decision on how little time I would spend on my family was upfront a very conscious one – if I work full time, I would have only little time left for my children who would then be left to other care-givers. I see it as something that I would have to give up if I work, and that I need to feel good about the arrangement and decision, otherwise I would not have done it the way. After all, my family could have also lived simply on just my husband’s one income if I choose not to work and stay at home to take care of the kids.

I guess ultimately, when we are being pulled in different directions and have to manage a tension caused by the demands and obligations in life, it’s about striking a point where we could make a conscious choice on how what the most feasible arrangement would be and be happy with whatever decision that is made.

Inspiration & Paradox 59: Why People Call Names Like "Stubborn Old Man" or "Angry Old Woman"

When I was much younger I couldn't understand why the old people I met were often grumbling, whining, angry and insistent in their ways. My rationale was that if these people claimed that they had been through it all, seen much more nonsense in this world then the youngsters, and "the salt they had eaten is more than the rice eaten by the youngsters" (as how the Chinese would interestingly put it), shouldn't they logically also become more open in their perspective, calmer, and slower in reacting to what is felt not to be right, and be more gracious in all their ways, why would they take things so hard?

But as I become older, I begin to realise that hard times, difficulties, and set backs in life may make it person wiser and more mature in their ways, but they could also easily cause a person's heart to turn cold, closed, hard, and even bitter. Many old people tend to be resistant to change because they feel that they would tried enough ways to know what works and what don't, they tend to be more cynical and critical because they feel that they know enough to make what they believe to be good judgement. Their fuse tend to be shorter because they probably have already put up too much nonsense before leaving them with no much patience or tolerance.

Perhaps that's why so many people talk about how to age well with grace and dignity. Instead of accepting old age as doddering and obsolesence and be seen as sour dumpings, continue to give and contribute in life. The physical form may keep be degenerating away day by day, but keeping the heart and mind going forward by learning, laughing, loving, and living will make all the difference.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Inspiration & Paradox 58: Who Am I?

Have you ever mulled over who you really are, and considered the significance of your existence? I do, and rather often actually, since I was just a kid, not only when I feel despondent, but also during times when I feel so on top of the world. Many times, especially when standing amidst a crowd, suddenly I would ask myself what difference would it make to this world if I had just disappear into the thin air right away, who am I in this world, what difference would it make if I were to stop to exist, without me in this world, everything would just continue to be what it is like, the people I see in the crowd, their lives, the things I see, everything would continue to move on with time. My emotions, my thoughts, my desires, my ambitions, my fears, disappointments, my dreams and aspirations, my existence, and my all seem to only matter to just my brain, and paradoxically, they seem to be determined by what my brain thinks, those feelings are all exclusively mine, and they all seem to only matter to just me and nobody else. So what if I am glad, so what if I am sad, so what…….no one would be able to make that kind of connection about myself, except me. That feeling of isolation, smallness, and insignificance drives me to ponder a lot of myself, question my existence and my purposes in life. Our existence appears to be so transient, here we are today, and tomorrow we might be gone.

Life seems so fragile and meaningless until I came to know who God is, and who am I to Him. I found an outlet to those strange feelings and an answer to those moments of loneliness and insecurity. I am not alone, my God knows who I am, He calls me by my name, He knows me even before I was formed in my mother’s womb, He says I am wonderfully and fearfully made, He knows the number of hair I have on my head, He knows every single thought in my mind, and every emotion I have, every happiness and every sadness, and every move and breath I take, my past, my present and my future, my destiny. He knows them all. My God thinks about me in a way no one in this world can possibly fathom. That miraculous connection to my Creator perhaps is what people called spirituality. It makes me feel that my existence is more than just something what my brain determines it to be and what my five senses figure it to be. It’s an indescribable connection and a sense of intimacy, belonging, and bearing that my spirit can never find in this physical world, not even in the person who loves me with all his might and soul, and not even in the most precious and treasured relationship or object I can find or own.

Inspiration & Paradox 57: Give Away Power to Become More Powerful!

I love to read about organiational management, principles, beliefs, and stories. The greatest paradox of organizational life I have so far learnt perhaps is “The more power leaders give away, the more they have.” But even the most enlightened leaders, who recognize that empowering their employees is the key to a faster, more flexible organization, are struggling to answer these questions: "How will I know what is going on?" "Wouldn’t things run wildly out of control!"

Many leaders seem to think that all the stuff about empowering are not more than just nice sounding, politically correct theories that as long as they don't deny it publicly, they won't get criticised. However, relinquishing power to others takes great courage and wisdom. Only committed visionary leaders will find ways to embrace paradox no matter how hard it is. These successeful and enduring eaders discover that real power comes from committed employees who feel empowered. They want their followers to be knowledgeable and fully informed on all aspects of an operation. As a result, they strive for openness and spend much time and effort clarifying misunderstandings quickly and promoting open, two-way communication. These leaders recognize that the stronger each of their follower is, the more each can do. The better decision maker each follower is, the easier it is to push the bigger decisions down to lower levels. And all these ultimately strengthens the position of the leader, bringing him/her even greater success, which one alone can never achieve.

Inspiration & Paradox 56: Love Yourself to Not Hurt Your Spouse

A foreign pastor shared a very thought-provoking insight in church today. He talked about the resolution he made some 20 years ago that caused him to consciously make the effort to love and cherish his wife since then. It was then not too long into their marriage that he and his wife had some differences that led to a conflict. He raised his voice at his wife who reacted just by crying. Not only did he not soften his attitude but continued to be sarcastic and stepped out of the house in a fit of anger. As he did that, God spoke to him "You hate yourself. You are hurting your wife because you hate yourself. When you spoke harshly to her, you are punching yourself hard right at your own face. She is the flesh of your flesh, so when you hurt her, you are also hurting yourself". Those words drove him to repent of his wrong and seek forgiveness from his wife.

Perhaps you already realize that we are talking about a paradox here: Only by learning to love ourselves more can we love others more. By becoming more self-nurturing and assertive, we can become more giving. By knowing what it is to love ourselves can we then know how to offer love to others. By being able to recognize, listen to and honor our own emotions and needs in relation to our spouse, we can then express our wants, disappointments, hurts and frustrations to your spouse in constructive, non-demanding ways... And only such a person is truly strong, stable, mature, secure, confident, and attractive.