Inspiration & Paradox 82: Fulfilment of Being Ordinary

We were at my daughter’s childcare annual year-end concert this morning. One of the classes presented a Chinese song and dance item entitled “The Heart and Soul of a Small Fry” (my own translation), and I instantly turned to my husband who was sitting next to me and criticised that the teacher could have made a wiser choice of song. I was expecting the five, six year-olds to be singing with positive exuberance and embracing with all their hearts the future with great hopes for big achievements in life. I just could not understand the appropriateness of singing a song that promotes the happiness and contentment of people who contributing to the society by being just ordinary people holding small, lowly jobs. It was an absolute ridicule, I thought.

But as I sat there totally uninspired, thinking about the silly irony that the concert was presenting, something even more ironical happened. The words of the tuneful song spoke to my heart ... it went “I have never been bothered before that I am not somebody famous, because there is really also a blessing and a sense of fulfillment in being very plain and ordinary.” I did not immediately know why I reacted so emotionally to the song, but I came to realise something that was deep down in my heart – that I was yearning for simply living! And perhaps I needed a song like this to brace myself for a decision that I have trying to make for the past many months – to quit my full-time job and be with and for my young children more. I wrestled with the conviction that my kids are the most important people to me, my personal desire to achieve and fulfill more than what I am able to today, and be all that I can as a career woman. I wanted others to be proud of what I could do as a working mom and be inspired by my drive and capability and also had the fear of being rejected by the workforce if I wanted to find a job again after several years of unemployment.. And with the recent months of staffing issues and piling workload and incidents of being misunderstood at work, great discouragement set in and bogged me down, and at the same time, the impulsiveness in wanting to make things right away at all cost caused me to feel extremely anxious and depressed. A part of me wanted me to escape from all these, to see that it was time for me to let go of everything and leave the job and just be with the children, and another part of me told me to hold on and find vindication.

I still have no idea exactly what course of actions what I should take now, but the song lyrics surely did something to me; it tore apart the veil in my heart. I seem to be able to sense my own heart better and have received a clue to the answer to my confusing questions -- “It’s okay, don’t justify, stop struggling, let go of your pride, be still and spend time to find out and work out God's place for me in this world by pursuing the most important things in this season of my life."